I have been ashamed to admit this but, I am going to be brave. I suffer from depression. I try real hard not to let anyone see what I am going through and right now I am going through a lot.
In the past few weeks, my body has been wracked with pain that is more than I can handle. I am on pain medicine 24/7/365. Right now, I can’t see an end in sight. I can honestly say, that I don’t remember what it feels like to be free of pain. I never have a single moment that is free of pain. I wish I could have just a few minutes without pain. I want to remember what that feels like. I can only imagine the peace I would feel.
This pain has been making me more and more depressed. I know that I am depressed because I would rather sleep than face getting out of bed and having to get myself cleaned up. I used to be able to get in the shower and the hot water would help with the pain, but it no longer does anything except make me grumpy.
I haven’t been to the gym in over a week because I am just too tired to get up. I know that if I get myself back to the gym, some of this depression will lift. It is just really hard to make myself get out of bed and go to the gym because I am working out while I am still hurting. I can promise you that getting a workout while in pain isn’t the most fun thing to do, in fact it is downright painful.
I take medication that is supposed to help me with my depression. My doctor has explained that it comes from the pain. Living in pain makes me a grumpy person. I try so hard to not let it show, but sometimes I can’t help it. If I seem like I am being short with you, it is probably because I am hurting. If I have been short with you, please call me on it. Just because I am in pain does not give me a pass on being nice to you.
If there are times that you call me and I don’t answer, I am either sleeping or going through a tough time and am not talking to anyone. Not many know how much the telephone terrifies me. I haven’t always been afraid of the telephone but the older I get the more I am afraid of the phone. If you truly need to get in touch with me, send me a text message. If I am awake, I will text you back. I promise.
Depression is a strange animal. It has appeared in the past year or so. I guess the pain has finally gotten to me and it is just easier for me to stay home. I no longer feel comfortable in crowds. Going to the grocery store is something that Nick and I do together. If he is with me, I can hang on to him and we get what we need and get out. There are times when I am in the store alone, I will start to sweat and I can’t control it. I get sweaty when I get scared or nervous.
Depression isn’t something you can see from the outside. I try to mask it from everyone but it is time that my depression is talked about. There is no reason to be ashamed because I am depressed. I never wanted to admit there was something wrong, because if no one knows then you can pretend that everything is alright. But, wearing a mask gets harder and harder every day I pretend that everything is fine.
On Saturday, I stayed in bed all day long. I could not get up and face the day. My husband is very understanding when I have days like I had Saturday. I feel guilty for staying in bed and sleeping all day but I didn’t know what else to do. What do you do when you feel broken inside? The only thing that I can do is sleep and pray. I know that one day God will take me out of this broken down body but for now I just do what I can to survive day in and day out.
Tomorrow, I see a new doctor, he is going to be making some changes in my medication which will be awful. When you start new medications and stop medications there are always effects that you have to go through and I am not looking forward to that.
I didn’t post this to get sympathy. I wanted anyone else out there suffering through depression to know that it is okay. Just keep plugging along with me. Depression will not get the best of me, however there are days when depression has won the battle, but I know that with God I will win the war against depression.
I will keep praying for you.
I pray that your Monday is blessed.